Okay, so I've got to give it up for the proofreaders on those Choose Your Own Adventure books. This was just 14 entries laid out on a single page and I still had trouble with it. Here's how it goes: Start with XX01 and pick your next move when it gives you an option. Move to the next entry as instructed. *cough*sheep*cough* You can usually use your browser's search feature by typing "ctrl+f", but really this is such a small adventure, that's not really necessary.

Pro-tip: if you're afraid your choice may be a bad one, leave your finger on the monitor so you can go back to your choice and choose again!

XX01
Do you need a chainsaw?
+Yes. - Go to XX04
+No. - Go to XX05
+This is for a legitimate construction project. - Go to XX09

XX02
Yes, I'm sure. Aw, don't look at me like that. You know why you shouldn't have one. You fetishize it as some gas-swilling ultra-annihilator with zombie dispatching potential, but you and I both know that it's just a gas tank with a motor and a chain. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, its utility would be null at best. It's cumbersome, loud, and has a very limited fuel supply. But... you never know. Maybe if you write Santa and promise to be extra good this year... Aw, that's the spirit. You and your sister both know I love you. Good night, sweetie. The end.

XX03
Well, at least buy a HAM radio or some wool socks. My girlfriend knitted these. You can't just walk away. Hey! Dang... We'll never win that trip at this rate. This is the end of our plans to visit colonial Williamsburg.

XX04
Really? You need a chainsaw? What is this, rookie day at the (prestigious) Hedgerow Institute? You don't need a chainsaw.
+But, I do! I really do! - Go to XX02
+Are you sure? I really thought I needed one. - Go to XX14

XX05
No? Bullshit. You need a chainsaw and I'm going to get you one. Put out your hands. Let me put this chainsaw into them.
+I really don't need one. - Go to XX03
+Okay... you've convinced me. - Go to XX11
+What, literally? - Go to XX13

XX06
Wh- what? You know words can hurt... Just because I'm advancing on you with the Cyclical Chain Blade of Sturmdrang doesn't mean you should forget your well-learned politesse and start shooting off hard names like that. Flesh is flesh, but emotional scars run deep. I mean, I don't think I'm a bad person.
+I'm sorry. It's my poor upbringing. - Go to XX12
+Are you serious? You're stupid. You were a fiend and now you're stupid. You're moving down the ladder here, man. - Go to XX07

XX07
Ladder? Stupid? Wh- No! You're stupid. I'm holding a big dangerous power tool here. And you're yelling at me! Is that misguided, or what? In fact, why am I talking to someone like you? I'm out of here. No chainsaw for you. No interesting ending, either. Deal with it. The end.

XX08
Lascivious? I don't see how that applies to- Where did you get those pictures? No! I didn't know that she was that kind of librarian! And I thought those chains were for snow tires! I haven't lived in the midwest for that long! You- you just want the chainsaw? Then I have no other choice. Take it and leave me be.
Well played. You got a chainsaw and this is the end of my career. I'm ruined.

XX09
Nice choice. This is the quickest path to victory. You could be lying, for all I know. But you still get a chainsaw and probably a chocolate bar, depending on how long you were in line at the Home Depot.

XX10
You have walked into the slavering fangs of a lurking chainsaw. You had to know one of these jokes would turn up in the end.

XX11
Here you go. The world's tiniest chainsaw. Moth chainsaws, they call 'em. In fact... wait. Where is it? Did you lose it already? The hell, man? That's the last time I give you anything. Jerk.

XX12
It takes a big person to admit when they're wrong. I think we've learned a lesson here today. (A lesson in murder!) You can have this if you like...

Inside your brains! The end.

XX13
You're gonna be fighting bears from now on. Just hold still while I weld these braces to your arms.

And so you fight bears forever. It's awesome. All the chicks (or dudes? Maybe you're into dudes?) dig you. And so it all works out in the end.

XX14
You want one so badly... Would you fight me for it? What if I told you... I'm keeping it from you because I know its true power! Ha ha ha!! I alone wield the Cyclical Chain Blade! I knew you were a problem from day one. Have at you!
+You fiend!! - Go to XX06
+You lascivious devil!! - Go to XX08
+Yeaaarrrggh- *splat splat splat* - Go to XX10

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So a ghost walks into a bar. No one notices. There used to be a door there before the fire. Two patrons feel an uncomfortable chill.

A mummy walks into a bar. His mummification wasn't intentional. His car went off the road downstream from a drain cleaner plant and he was preserved in a band tee shirt and his favorite pair of jeans. And so he's trying to ask to use the phone, but the bartender just shifts his jaw and says "we don't serve mummies here." The mummy invokes an ancient curse. Later that night, the bartender finds his tires have been slashed.

This one time, a gill-man creature is buying drinks for a couple third year co-eds from the nearby college when they casually mention their boyfriends. Unphased, he winks and waggles his gills at them. He shares a cab ride home with the dark-haired one. They kiss awkwardly in the foyer and he promises himself he's going to call her tomorrow.

An animated corpse was buried under a bar, but the foundation was too firm and he couldn't dig his way to freedom.

A werewolf stumbles into a bar. She has eaten a child this very night. Upon waking the next morning, her eyes will feel full of sand and she will become sick somewhere in her apartment. In her heart, she feels there's no way to continue this awful half existence. Her soul wears away like the inside of an anthill. The worse her condition becomes, the more she secretly begins to relish the sensation. Tonight, in the bar, she feels uninhibited. Finishing her Tokyo tea, she moves to the dance floor and excitedly covers it in claw marks.

A zombie walks into a bar. Every person she kills gets up and kills. The people they kill get up and kill.

A psycho killer walks into a bar. He sets his slaughterhouse hammer and meathook on the bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender asks for ID and the psycho killer gives him a driver license. The blood-stained burlap sack with eye-holes on the ID looks slightly different than the blood-stained burlap sack with eye-holes currently asking for a gin and tonic. The bartender arches an eyebrow and asks "are you sure this is you?" The psycho killer grins amiably from behind his makeshift mask and says "that was back when I had the mustache."

A vampire is bumming smokes in this bar's parking lot, when... ha ha. Okay. You got me. There's no such thing as vampires.

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Jamboree Pt. 2 - People Under the Stairs
Hello Conscience - The Zutons
No Names - Danger Doom
Up Against the Wall - Peter Bjorn and John
I Get Lonesome - Beck
My Little Corner of the World - Yo La Tengo
Running Thoughts - Deerhoof
Don't Be Scared - Andrew Bird
Satan Said Dance - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
When We Go, How We Go (Part 2) - Rock Plaza Central
Wooo - Vitalic
Evil Energy, the Ill Twin of... - Frog Eyes
The King of the Mosh Pit - Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra
Keep Your Distance - Amon Tobin
Paper Thin Walls - Modest Mouse
Breaking Away - Ratatat
I Fell Deep - The Dears
I'll Be Okay - Aesop Rock
Stop Coming to My House - Mogwai

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Here's a list of hobbies which would potentially make for odd modes of travel (possible accidents which would enable this odd mode of travel are contained in parentheses).

TMBG - Employee of the Month

1: Falconry (carried away by bird of prey)
2: HAM Radio (consciousness becomes a wavelength lost in time/space)
3: Pogs (opponent's slammer unsettles the nearby ground and forces players into flight)
4: Huffing (odd mutations, super light gasses, enterring a fugue state with a bus schedule)
5 and 6: Philately and Box Collecting (pulled into unmarked van and never seen again)

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Aesop Rock - 9-5er's Anthem

I want a scooter. So, here's a quick list of reasons to own one:

1. Be a mod.
2. Endanger yourself daily to the same degree as other motorcyclists.
3. Get laughed at by motorcyclists.
4. Be part of a close-knit regional community of like-minded anachronistic scooter dweebs.
5. Feel cool.
6. Look like Renegade's little brother in some kind of play-pretend game.
7. Aren't allowed on the highway.
8. Don't have to get a motorcycle license (you're just pretending, anyway).

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